for me the big developments, the ones with impact, seem to have occurred when i realized that no one else was going to do it for me. only when i'm stuck in a hole for a while, and come to realize no one else will pull me out, do i really develop and i guess adapt, pulling myself out.
something needs to break in a sense, and then i look for a newer, better idea to replace the broken one. like when your refrigerator breaks. you need a new solution. i never thought i was so blind, i thought i was more perceptive.
but i'm trying not to be hard on myself. we aren't all refrigerator repair men. there are some things we can't see about ourselves. the options left, seem to be about being open to change. this is a recent discovery for me. i've always felt independent, but i've just realized in the past little while, how much i rely on other people for things. it feels so much better to know i can accomplish it myself. being secure with yourself seems amazingly more important than i first thought.
i have become thankful in a way for not having anyone to rely on. it means i had to rely on myself. a good feeling, that looked like treason at first.
is this a common thing with other people? i've been wondering lately if there is a better way for me to do this, besides being in figurative holes more often. this can be painful. the initial feeling of having nothing to rely on is a big hurdle some days. is there another way to change?
"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.” SirA.Hopkins
growing can hurt. so what. what else is there?
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